I'm a Pimp.

I have a guy friend who's miserable tonight. This is a good guy, but he hasn't had a girlfriend in 13 years. YEARS. That's an awful long time to be alone. I really don't hang out with him much afterhours, so I really can't say what he does, exactly, to offend females. I do know this much: he's thin but cut like a rock. He's in one of our armed forces and will be going for some special training soon. (I'm not going to give out details because... well.. he might not like that. Plus, it could possibly have me killed. For realz!) I'd say he flourishes when he's being told/ ordered what to do, so that would make him seemingly attractive to a lot of females. Haha! He's got a strict moral code, and by that I mean, he just has his own lines he won't cross. But he won't shove them down anyone else's throats. He's smart, funny, kind of a geek, but kind. The actual sort to help an old lady cross the street. He literally would climb a tree to get your kitten even if he thought you were stupid. He's honest. Kinda old school in his basic values, but I don't see that as necessarily bad. He likes to debate (hey - he's friends with me), but he will back down (unlike me :). Rarely loses his temper, but when he does, it's not directed towards a person. All in all, he's someone I would probably go out with, although, that's hard to say for reason: 1)I'm married, and we don't swing; and 2) I am saying that as a lame older lady. Meaning, (#2), when I was younger, he probably would have been too nice for me. Now, with some freaking wisdom under my belt, I know that he's a good egg. He's someone you'd want to keep around.

So, naturally, this got me thinking to the type of guys I've liked, in general. Because of course it comes back around to me. Ugh I am so fucking typical sometimes... Anyway...

* I like men. I like guys with strong hands. Not soft, smooth manicured hands. Not, "I sit typing on a computer all day and go to the spa every Friday because I'm metrosexual", hands. Man hands. Sorta rough, but clean. Trimmed nails, but I don't care if they aren't perfect. Hands like he does something slightly rugged, plays a sport, chops wood; whatever. Big hands. Small hands - just ICK.

* (Yeah, I guess you could say this also carries to the other body parts one thinks of when they are talking about men and using the words big or small, and yes - same thing applies. I'm talking about penis size, for those of you bewildered, thinking I love big elbows. Hey - did you know that the skin on your elbow, a common slang word for it is a wenis?! True. Whatever.)

* Faces of the men I am attracted to are usually strong, too. Strong bone structure, and man I love bigger noses. Love them. In fact, I'm thinking back now, I am not sure I ever dated anyone without strong features, but I have guys without big noses.

* Now, I love dark hair, but I have dated a few guys with blonde hair. It's just not what I'm normally attracted to. The eyes are usually more important to me than the hair. Generally I go for dark eyes, long lashes. Guys with prettier eyes than me; the ones with those uber thick eyelashes? Yeah - you know the kind. Bastards.

* I don't really care so much about the body type. I don't typically go for big guys, though. Either big, big, or the muscle-y big - no. I'd be more inclined to date just a regular big guy over some dude that looks like he's taking steroids, though. Steroid guys are fucking gross. Their necks are disgusting. Shudder. Anyway, I've dated nearly all types. Ideally, the guy would be sorta thin, but with muscles. For instance: I'd date, in general, a basketball player over a football player anytime. Soccer players are also nice. Baseball players look like ordinary guys to me. Hockey players - niiice. In general. And also, no guys shorter than me. No way. (For the record I've always thought I was almost 5'4", but my doctors' nurse said I was only 5' 2", or almost 5'3'!!! That bitch is wrong, though, I tell ya!) Regardless, a guy shorter than 5'4"? No.

* What determines it all, usually, in my typical preference (victim) is the personality. The personality, though, is hard to pinpoint. I like guys with power. At least, I like the ones with (or who portray) power in movies or that are on tv. I mean, I guess I like the idea of power, which is ironic, because I've always been the type to question authority. I've always been the type to rebel against authority, too. Guys in real life that I've met with power, well - generally they turn me off. I'm not sure I've ever met one who wasn't your basic prick; smug and condescending. I know a couple of lawyers, but they are my friends (and I have blackmail on both), so they don't annoy me at all. The worst are guys who brag or talk incessantly all about money or the things they have. Yeah - I'm impressed with your car - now why don't you go buy yourself a fucking personality.

Anyway, here are some of the men I've found attractive on television and in movies:

Mr. Big (Chris Noth)

Marlon Brando - young and old - the Godfather had power, yo! - but mostly young.

Al Pacino

Okay - I need to stop now. Well, wait -this guy is my current crush:

(He gets two pics for being so fucking luscious.)

And one for you blonde people, so you don't get all offended: (Kevin Mckidd)

So really, I don't know why my friend can't get laid. I mean, the guys I like are every sort under the sun - those pictures do not even begin to touch the iceberg of guys I find/ have found attractive. In high school I was allll about Jim Morrison, Spicoli (from the movie - yes, really!), James Dean (the norm for most teenage girls), etc. The crushes on my peers, the guys I went to school with, changed daily. I liked geeks, stoners, hippies, skater boys, athletes, artists - you name it. If a guy could (and can) make me laugh, well - wonderful. But that didn't mean I necessarily wanted to make out with him. He has to be confident. Not conceited, confident. He has to, I guess, like who he is, feel comfortable in his own skin - without being an asshole to other people, just because he feels like it. Brains are a definite plus, and an outright must. Someone stupid has no chance whatsoever. But in the end I've always gone out with (and married!) the good looking, slightly bad boy types. I have. I am a walking typical chick on that, but that's how it is. I've always liked the confident and cocky types, the guys who can charm the ladies and bullshit their way out of trouble with almost anyone. The guys I dated (and married!) were the types that were doing a (watered down) version of "Jackass" long before it was a show. (Anyone else been rubbertreeing?!) Sometimes they got into trouble but not for long, and nothing too horrible. They were basically good, but rebellious, and they could skate by on their looks but ultimately, didn't. Oh - but all of them... ALL of them had great hands. Maybe I need to look at my friends' hands. Damn. I don't know what I'll say to him if they're small and girly! Sorry, dude - you're fucked.

So what types of guys have you gone for, and have those types changed as you've gotten older? And more importantly, is there anyone single who lives near me who wants to date my friend? You don't have to even date him long - the guy just needs to get laid!

I'm his pimp.