Mmmm... Spam

I love looking in my spam box. There is no end to the fun stuff in there. Here's a few examples:

August Dewit (actually, it's august dewit - I capitalized so he wouldn't look as fucking stupid) sent me an email titled, simply, "big tits". I appreciate the sheer bluntness of his email, if not the sentiment. He's Italian. I wonder if he's some little lackey working for a mob? I should write to him. I have some people I'd like to have killed, or at least maimed. Guess I better attach a picture of my tits, but I don't think they're big enough for him.

Bernadette Bynum wants to give me cheap prices on pharmaceuticals. What a sweetheart! Here's part of her email:
Recommênded by Canadiaan Health care Professionals and by thouusaands of satisfied customers world widee
What's with all the extra vowels?! The whole email's like that. Maybe she needs to lay off the fricking Haldol. She's obviously nuts to think I'd click on the link. Actually, there's a lot of spam for meds. Those crazy Canadians!

This last example is my favorite - the FBI is trying to contact me. Yes - THE FBI. You can imagine my excitement when I saw this one, and my relief that I saved it instead of just deleting. It's the FBI of Honolulu - apparently, I have monies coming to me! They're trying to warn me from dealing with the "other people" as they are fraudulent. What a fucking relief! Of course, I find it incredibly odd that so many words are grammatically horrid, like this:
Secondly we have been informed that you are still dealing with the non officials in the bank who are attempting to secure the release of your fund to you. We wish to advise you that this is illegal and you should stop further communication with them forthwith because such an illegal act like this can lead to cancellation of your fund. we have been having so many complains from people who have been scammed around the world hence, after concluding in a meeting with members of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), we came to a conclusion that every payment will be> made through CITIC KA WAH BANK.
I mean - official, right? It's signed like this:
THANKS FOR LISTENING TO OUR ADVISE Faithfully Yours, MR.ROBERT MUELLER FOR COROPORATE AFFAIRS FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI Honolulu) UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
I am seriously touched. Of course I can't say for certain exactly WHERE I'm touched, but I am touched, nonetheless. It hardly matters that I feel like I need a long, hot shower.

Seriously, spammers - get a fucking clue, huh? At least make your stupid attempts look feasible. And the spelling and language is atrocious. Are we outsourcing spammers, too? Figures.